‹ Back

Here’s a longer version:

 

I learned a bit about Autism and ADHD, both sounded suspiciously familiar, I deliberately looked into it further (trying to rule them out). It took over a year for me to admit to myself that I might be Autistic, another two to accept that I most certainly was, and three more to feel ready to tell people.

 

It’s only a self-diagnosis, as MSI doesn’t cover an adult Autism assessment (which costs about $3000 and usually takes a year to get in). It doesn’t help that even the professionals involved in the diagnostic process are a decade or three out of date more often than not.

 

Autism is a Neurodevelopmental Disability, present from birth, no fault of the parents. If that’s the case, then why wasn’t I diagnosed? I can think of a few reasons, starting with the fact that the diagnostic criteria were changed in 1987, 1994, 2000, 2013, and 2022. I didn’t meet the criteria until the changes in 2013, otherwise known as the year I turned thirty. Then there is that I’ve been “Masking” (camouflaging or pretending to be “normal”) for a long time. I have memories of consciously refining my mask when I was eleven or twelve. There is also the fact that I had friends and did well in school. And my Autism presented more like how it usually does in women than men.

 

The biggest, though, is that I am one of the three in every thousand people (some say the statistic is closer to one in fifty) who have co-occurring Autism and ADHD. Autism and ADHD have opposite traits (Autism says everything the same all the time, ADHD says always new), which results in both being obscured to an outside observer.

 

I have been experiencing something that, while not properly studied, is called “Autistic Burnout”. It’s caused by a few things, mostly trying to live a “normal” life and masking (camouflaging or pretending to be “normal”) too much. Bunout involves extreme exhaustion for at least three months and skill regression (usually communication skills). I haven’t been able to make a phone call (even to book a doctor’s appointment) in years.

 

Burnout gets worse each time you enter it and takes longer to recover from. I’ve been stuck in Burnout for about five years now, and I’m not sure how much longer it will take to recover without making significant and unrealistic changes in how I live. There are people out there who I care about, wish only health and happiness for, but I can’t stand to be in the same room or muster the energy to say hello.

 

Recovery from Burnout is a slow and delicate process and overdoing something or having interactions forced on me can put me out of commission for days or even weeks, even push back my progress by months. At least I know what I’m dealing with this time. But I’m still figuring it out as I go.

 

This post is the only way I could tell anyone this, but I can’t send it to anyone specific or tag them in it. Not because of any technical issue, because my brain is annoying and sort of short-circuits when I try. Thank you to anyone who has read all this. If you leave a comment on this post, I might find a way to respond, eventually.